Alidia
For my beautiful daughter, Alidia.
Dear Alidia...
So often have I thought about what I would write to you in a letter, if I had an address to send it to.
Long lost, but not for one moment forgotten.
This is so difficult for me, and so painful. Nothing compared with how you must feel my angel, but my only hope is that one day the pain is a distant memory and we can look forward once again.
It was my Birthday recently, and I was 31 years old. We had a little family get together at home and I did enjoy it, but as with everything, there is such a huge part of me missing, I can never completely enjoy anything. So I decided to do something about it, and make this website to tell you a little about us and our family, in the hope that one day you might want to get in touch.
I will write much more, very soon, but this is just to get you started...
Words can't say how much I miss you, I just hope this gives you some idea of how much I do.
You are my angel, Alidia.
I blow kisses to the sky every night, because I only know that wherever you are, we are under the same stars... I hope they find you one day.
I love you and I miss you so very very much... Sitting here in tears is all I can do, and no matter who or what is in my life, I'm lost without you.
I will never forgive myself for not having the strength to fight the battle to see you. But the pain of watching you, watching me... I thought you'd be better off without me disrupting your life.
I hope I was right and you don't miss me nearly as much as I miss you. I can't bear to think of you sad or lonely or confused. I can't even bear to think of you caught in the rain without an umbrella, or in the cold...
I have no right (after all, its been 4 years almost to the day) to burden you with my sadness, my regret and my pain. But I need you to know that, whilst I may never have been perfect, or even especially good at being your mother, there is not one person on this planet who loves another more than I love you.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if you're hurt, and I'm sorry if you're confused and angry and sad and everything else you might feel.
But I made the biggest mistake of my life. I thought I was doing the right thing stepping back from your life. I didn't ever expect you to be torn away from me and to never see you again...
I did try, and I'll keep trying, and I'm sorrier than I could ever put into words, and I love you more still.
Mum xxxxxxxxx...
Sometimes it can be very difficult talking to people close to us about things, as we (and they) can be emotional and feelings can get in the way. But there are other options, such as speaking to a teacher, or a doctor or nurse. And maybe even something like childline. They have counsellors who are trained to help children, and you can call them (0800 1111) from most phones or phone boxes for free, but it may cost quite a bit from a mobile.
I would love to hear from you, more than anything in the world...
I'm sure it will be something you need to think about before getting in touch, and perhaps you will decide to wait. That's fine, and I understand that this decision is yours and yours alone. But as long as I live I will be waiting with open arms and an open heart, and you can always find me through this site.
There is an email address below, especially for you to make contact if and when you feel ready.
mum@alidia.co.uk
